


across the sea (but not quite home)

by thunderstorm (ConsultingTimelordWizard)



Series: Shiaros Fics [2]
Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/F, F/M, Renegade Shepard (Mass Effect), Renegon (Mass Effect), Temporary Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-08
Updated: 2017-11-08
Packaged: 2019-01-31 00:44:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,577
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12664818
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ConsultingTimelordWizard/pseuds/thunderstorm
Summary: "Shepard frowned as her senses came back one by one, and when she opened her eyes a bright blue sky stared right back at her. Groaning, she pushed herself up into a sitting position and stared at the sand that surrounded her, hands digging into it and getting into every nook and cranny it could find. When did she get to a beach? Shepard slowly stood, noting with confusion that she no longer ached everywhere in her body--looking down at the clothes that replaced her half-melted armor, she could see she was no longer bleeding either. Injury was nowhere to be seen, and that could only mean one thing.Shepard was dead. She should’ve seen this coming."





	across the sea (but not quite home)

**Author's Note:**

> i'm upset that shepard couldn't romance more than one person at the same time without them getting pissed, so here's me saying 'fuck it'. few details:
> 
> name: jillian "jill" shepard  
> origin: spacer  
> profile: war hero  
> class: infiltrator  
> romance: liara t'soni and thane krios
> 
> we're also going to ignore the little ghost boy and the Three Choices(tm) shepard has to make, because while i like them i'd rather everyone be happy (or as happy as they can be)

“Shepard… I am yours.”

Pulling away from Liara had been the hardest thing Shepard had made herself do. She could see in her bondmate’s eyes that if she weren’t severely injured, she’d be running right after her into the beam. Shepard trusted Garrus to hold Liara back even if it had come to that, but even he looked ready to say fuck it and run after her. Shepard gave both of them--two of the constants in her life--a tight smile and stepped off the Normandy one last time. They’d been with her since Saren, but she couldn’t let them possibly die trying to follow her to the Citadel now. If she could save two of the most important people in her life, she would.

She’d already failed to save Thane, after all.

“Go!”

Shepard began running toward the beam once again, watching the Normandy take off rather than the few feet in front of her until it was back with the fleets outside of the Earth’s atmosphere. Liara was safe. Her crew was safe. It was all Shepard could hope for, and even if she died here at least it wouldn’t have been for nothing. 

She’d at least expected to make it to the beam, though, but Harbinger had other plans. It shot a beam toward the ground with a loud roar (she wasn’t sure how else to describe it), tearing up everything in the beam’s path until it reached the ground team. Makos went flying, and it was all Shepard could do to jump away from the direct line of the beam before she got hit. Everything went black for what felt like hours but had to have been merely minutes, the pain of melted armor trying and failing to drag her back into unconsciousness. With all the effort she could muster, Shepard made her way to the beam, and the rest was a blur. She’d found Anderson, but she’d also found the Illusive Man. Shepard wasn’t sure how he’d done it, but he’d taken control of the both of them and made her shoot Anderson. Revenge was sweet, however, and she gained enough control to shoot the Illusive Man before he executed Anderson.

She’d die here. The Crucible was in place, and Earth looked beautiful from where they were. What a view… “Best seats in the house, Anderson,” Shepard managed, pulling herself upright next to the admiral. She heard his pained laugh and looked over at him. “Hey, stay with me.”

“I’m here, Shepard.”  _ Barely _ , she thought, but she didn’t dare interrupt him. “Didn’t think I’d go out without seeing Kahlee one last time though.”

“Hey, don’t think like that,” Shepard said, frowning at Anderson. The man had been like a father to her after her own father had died, someone both her and her mother could rely on. Shepard refused to accept that Anderson would be dying now, by her own hand. “We’ll… we’ll get off and head back to Earth. You’ll show me London like you promised.”

Another pained laugh, and Anderson looked over to Shepard. She tried to give him a reassuring smile, but judging by his face it must have failed. Still, Anderson reached over and patted her shoulder ( _ too weak, he’s too weak _ ). “Doctor T’Soni softened you up, Jill. Never remembered you being this optimistic.”

“Gotta change sometimes.” She placed her hand over Anderson’s and swallowed thickly. “She’s great. I… I want to marry her. You have to be there, promise me.”

“Jill--”

“I’ve got no one to walk me down the aisle otherwise.” Shepard gave him what she hoped was a pleading look. “Don’t give up, please.” His eyes were drooping, though, and Shepard felt herself grow more and more panicked. “Anderson,  _ don’t _ .”

“I’m proud of you, Jillian Shepard. You did good, child,” he murmured, eyes falling shut. “You did good.” His hand went slack and fell onto the floor between them, staying far too still. Shepard shook her head and took his hand again, hesitating when she noticed how much blood was covering both her hand and her clothes. She’d lost so much blood, it would be a surprise if she survived this. She covered the wound back up and brought her knees to her chest, ignoring the flare of pain and resting her forehead against them. Her dying moments, and she would be crying through them. 

_ I’m sorry Liara _ , she thought.  _ Guess we won’t be having those little blue children after all _ .

She stayed like that for some time, to the point that she thought she was hearing things when her name was said. It was said again and again, and Shepard lifted her head up to stare at the floor. Hackett? “S-sir, I’m here.”

“Shepard, the Crucible is in position but it’s not firing. It has to be something on your end.” Shepard pulled herself up and crawled slowly toward the console, crying out in pain and falling to her knees. No, they were so close, she couldn’t die now.

“S-sir, I can’t… I can’t…”

“We’re checking our end too. Hurry, Shepard.”

Shepard groaned and dragged herself toward the console, pulling herself up with the remainder of her strength and staring. The buttons were blurry, and she blinked quickly to try and focus better as she worked. She was an engineer, after all. Consoles were her specialty. There had to be something to figure out.

“Admiral Hackett, I don’t--” Her vision went blurry again, and Shepard’s breathing quickened. Hoping what she tried would work, she pressed sent and slid back to the floor, staring at the Earth like the Illusive Man had been when he died. “Liara…” she murmured, eyes falling closed for what was likely the last time. 

The last thing she remembered was Hackett calling her name, and the sound of the Crucible finally firing into space.

 

***

 

She woke to the sound of the ocean.

Shepard frowned as her senses came back one by one, and when she opened her eyes a bright blue sky stared right back at her. Groaning, she pushed herself up into a sitting position and stared at the sand that surrounded her, hands digging into it and getting into every nook and cranny it could find. When did she get to a beach? Shepard slowly stood, noting with confusion that she no longer ached everywhere in her body--looking down at the clothes that replaced her half-melted armor, she could see she was no longer bleeding either. Injury was nowhere to be seen, and that could only mean one thing.

Shepard was dead. She should’ve seen this coming.

Shepard couldn’t remember what being dead had been like before, back when she died the first time (and wasn’t  _ that _ a weird sentence to think). She could only picture the big empty void that was space, the sound of her O2 line draining everywhere but into her lungs, and the stars surrounding her twinkling in mockery. As if they could say that they’d live for much longer, but Shepard’s days were over. Being at a beach was a brand new part of death she hadn’t expected, and Shepard ran her hand over her hair as she began to walk along the surf zone to gather her bearings.

She was dead. It had hurt a lot more than the last time had, if memory served her. Vaguely in the back of her mind Shepard could recall hearing the Crucible finally firing, but she had no idea if it worked. What if her crew was still in danger? Did Joker get them to the rendezvous point in time? Was Liara alright--

“Liara.” Shepard stopped in her tracks and turned to face the horizon, watching the waves roll peacefully toward the shore. She’d left Liara behind, and she’d promised that she wouldn’t. They were supposed to have little blue children, a  _ normal _ family, and the Reapers took it all away. Shepard blinked hard and looked down, pressing her fingers into her eyes as if that would stop the tears from forming. “I’m so sorry.”

“Death is not your fault, Siha.”

Shepard’s head whipped around at the second voice, eyes wide as she came face-to-face with Thane for the first time since his death. Slowly, she turned away from the horizon and made her way toward him, pace picking up until she was throwing herself around him in a tight embrace. “ _ Thane _ ,” she whispered. “Oh my god, you’re here.”

Thane chucked, voice rumbling low in his chest as his arms settled around her middle. “I told you I’d be waiting for you across the sea, Shepard. Did you forget so easily?”

“No, no, I remember.” Shepard pulled back enough to wipe her eyes, taking a deep breath and soaking Thane in. He looked healthy and alive ( _ Be alive with me tonight _ , she’d said against his lips just hours before the supposed suicide mission--much to her relief, no one had actually died save for the Collectors and that human-Reaper hybrid) against the rays of sun shining down on the beach. What struck Shepard the most, though, was how at peace Thane seemed to be. The tension he’d carried around with him during his time on the Normandy had dissipated, shoulders relaxed and smile genuine. “Kolyat said your final prayer was for me.”

“It was.” Thane brushed his knuckles against her cheek and Shepard leaned into the touch, taking hold of Thane’s offered hand a moment later and continuing her walk along the surf with him by her side. “I told you I was at peace with my death, Siha. I didn’t want to leave you behind in the world without offering you some sort of protection.”

She snorted. “Yeah, I guess protection only lasts so long when you’re me.” Shepard relished his chuckle, and she leaned further into his side as she continued. “I got him, by the way. Kai Lang. Stabbed the bitch right in the ribs like he did to you.”

“Looking out for me even in death, I see.”

“There was no way I’d let him get away with that. He was going to die anyway, but taking you away made it personal.” Shepard exhaled roughly. “He’ll never hurt another person again. That much I made sure of.”

“I know, Siha. You’ve always done what’s best for the galaxy, even if you had rather unconventional methods.” Thane smiled as Shepard let out a laugh, heat rushing to her cheeks. She would be the first to admit that she was a bit… trigger happy. She didn’t like dealing with bullshit, and when she was in Commander Shepard mode she had no limits. She’d even pushed a guy out the window, though she considered the memory more fondly than Garrus had as she recalled. Her temper was short, but she tried to do good by the galaxy, even if she wasn’t exactly liked while doing so. Those who mattered, though, knew otherwise. 

At least, Shepard hoped they knew.

The two went quiet for a bit, simply walking side by side along the beach, the ocean’s waves lapping gently across their feet. The longer they walked, the less Shepard found herself focusing back to the Crucible, to Earth, to the Citadel. Liara was still loud in her mind, but the urge to rush and find a way back to the land of the living had dimmed dramatically. She was so tired, and Liara knew that. She would understand if she stayed on the beach with Thane, the two of them waiting for her to come to them. Guilt tugged at the back of her mind for even thinking that, but Shepard just tightened her grip on Thane’s hand and tried to ignore it. 

Thane, curse the drell, was too observant when it came to Shepard, and he pulled her to a stop a few feet from what looked like the beach house James had described to her on the Normandy. She could see figures mulling about inside and around it--with a squint of her eyes she was able to make out Legion, Mordin, Kaidan, and Anderson. Her breath caught in her chest, and Shepard looked back to Thane. “They’re all here.”

Thane smiled a bit sadly. “They are. Or, at least, most of them are.”

“What do you mean?”

Thane glanced back toward the house. “Admiral Anderson still has a faint pulse. If he wanted, he could go back and live out the rest of his life. The same goes for you, Shepard.” He turned back to Shepard. “There’s a pier not far away. If you wanted to go back, you could just get into the boat and sail off. Live out your life.”

“What?” Shepard turned around, finally letting go of Thane’s hand as she searched the beach. Sure enough, a pier was a small walk away, a rowboat tied to the cleat and floating along with the waves. She stepped away and walked toward the pier, only pausing when Anderson caught her eye. He looked at peace, just as Thane did, but there was still a certain weariness around his eyes. He could go with her, if she even decided to go back. Shepard made a small gesture to try and urge Anderson after her, then turned away and continued back to the pier. 

The ocean was dark, and the rowboat didn’t look as safe as she’d thought upon closer inspection. There was room for two in the splintered boat, and Shepard felt hesitant to even step into it. Further into the ocean was a clearer patch of water, and she stepped into the boat against her better judgment to take a closer look. Instead of water, she saw a green planet that resembled Earth, along with the brown of dirt that surfaced because of a crashed ship. The side said  _ NORMANDY SR-2 _ , and Shepard held her breath. They’d crashed, the Normandy crashed--

She focused on it and suddenly the ocean was showing inside of the ship. The surviving crew stood in front of the memorial wall, heads bowed as Ashley placed Anderson’s name in the center. Liara held a plaque in her hands, Shepard’s name clearer on it as the asari stepped forward toward the wall.  Shepard felt herself freeze, and she slowly shook her head. 

“Liara.”

As if she could hear her, Liara’s head snapped up, eyes searching quickly for  _ something _ . Shepard wasn’t there, though, and she had to watch as Liara pressed her name to the memorial wall and pressed her forehead to her plaque, tears streaming down her face. 

Shepard scrambled out of the boat and looked back toward the house, two people standing at her side. Anderson was watching her with what looked like sympathy, and Thane was watching her with understanding. As if he knew her better than she knew herself (which, admittedly, was probably true). She took a steadying breath and stepped toward Thane, wrapping him in a hug and pressing her face into his chest. “I have to go back.”

“I know, Siha. Your time isn’t yet up.” Thane ran a hand across her hair, and Shepard only tightened her grip around him. She felt Thane press a kiss against her head, and she took a deep breath before pulling back a few steps. Her gaze focused on Anderson, eyes searching for  _ anything _ that said he was going along with her.

“You still need to show me London.”

Anderson chuckled and shook his head. “Might need a new paint job first.” Then he sighed. “Shepard, I don’t know. I feel like I can rest here, after so long not being able to. This place is nice. Your friend Mordin was showing me seashells.”

Shepard chuckled sadly and looked down. “Yeah, I guess you’re right. Did you want me to say anything to Kahlee for you?” At the lack of response, Shepard looked back up and saw Anderson looking out at the sea. She walked toward him and stared where he was; Kahlee was on board Admiral Hackett’s ship while his crew searched the Citadel for survivors. She didn’t want to imagine their reactions when they found Anderson and Shepard both dead. “Anderson?”

Shepard heard a sigh and watched as Anderson made his way toward the rowboat, sitting down on one of the rickety planks that served as seats and gesturing for her to follow. Shepard nodded and let out a breath slowly, looking to Thane one last time and leaning up to give him a gentle kiss. Thane returned it at once, squeezing her shoulders as Shepard pulled back and stepped away.

“I’ll see you someday, Thane. We’ll be together again.”

“I know, Siha. Take care of Liara for us both, alright?” 

“I will, Thane. I always do.” She smiled shakily and kissed his cheek one last time before turning away. She couldn’t lose her nerve now. If she looked back again, she’d stay and leave Liara alone. Shepard made her way to the rowboat and sat across from Anderson, untying it from the pier and pushing it off. Anderson grabbed the oars and started guiding them toward the horizon, leaving Shepard to sit there and watch the pier disappear. She could see Thane’s figure and zeroed in on it until he was a mere blob of green in the distance. 

Then they went over a wave, and the pier--and Thane--was gone.

 

***

 

_ “We found them!” _

_ “Get the admiral out of there!” _

_ “Dig Shepard out, double time!” _

_ “... holy shit. They’re  _ alive _.” _

 

***

 

Shepard woke up to the steady sound of medical equipment beeping and flaring pain all over her body. She took a few deep breaths before she opened her eyes, being met with the textured white of a hospital room’s tiled ceiling. She slowly started to wriggle her toes and fingers, going through her body and assessing the damage. Broken ribs, but they seemed about healed; burned skin from the explosion, her body wrapped in medical bandages as her skin was regrown; her legs--

Scratch that. Her leg.

Shepard shot up in her bed despite the IVs and pain, throwing her blanket off and staring. Where her left leg should have been was instead an empty space and a stub of where her knee used to be. She took a shuddering breath and looked around the room quickly, her senses slowly coming back to her as she registered a knocking on her door. Her head snapped toward it, and her eyes widened when the salarian nurse froze where she stood. The nurse backed out a moment later, leaving Shepard alone once again, though it didn’t last for long.

The next thing she registered was footsteps rushing toward her room, automatically setting off her fight-or-flight instinct. Doctors swarmed into her room, their words barely registering in her mind as they swarmed around her bed. Faintly she could hear one of the doctors mention her heartbeat picking up, another grabbing a needle…

Everything went black after that.

 

***

 

When Shepard woke next, the room was empty save for two people. Her bed was propped up into more of a sitting position, and the IVs she’d managed to pull out when she was last awake had been placed back in their rightful spots. She wrinkled her nose at the sight of them and reached to pull them out, stopping herself at the last second. She didn’t need a swarm of doctors back into her room already. Instead she tore her eyes away from the IVs and focused on the people in her room.

The two stood women on the other side of the room with their backs turned to her, but it didn’t take much effort for Shepard to be able to identify them. The woman on the left was wearing her signature tight white suit, long black hair flowing effortlessly down her back in loose curls. Even after a battle for the galaxy’s fate Miranda Lawson still managed to seem perfectly put together, Shepard thought in amusement. The asari next to Miranda, however, caught her attention as soon as she looked at her, and Shepard could hear her heart monitor speed up (not that she cared). What seemed like a short time ago, she’d watched Liara place her name on the memorial wall and mourn her. Now her bondmate was here, and alive, and Shepard could comfort her instead of wishing she was able to.

Both women turned tensely when they heard Shepard’s heart monitor pick up, and she was sure she’d never seem Liara move so fast in her short time knowing her as the asari made her way to Shepard’s bed. Her eyes glimmered with unshed tears, and when she held her hand out for Liara to take she felt her tight grip. It was like she was afraid Shepard was going to go away once again, and Shepard could understand that; this had been the second time she’d died on Liara, after all. 

“Told you I’d be back,” she whispered, hoping her attempt at humor hit. Liara’s laugh was watery but genuine, and she pressed a kiss to her knuckles. 

“You need to stop making a habit of dying on me, Shepard,” she said softly, pulling a chair over with her free hand and sitting on the edge of it. “I thought you were gone for good this time.”

“Yeah, well, death doesn’t know how to handle me just yet.” Shepard cleared her throat after she spoke, being sore from disuse. “How long have I been out? A couple of weeks?”

Miranda took that moment to speak, grabbing the doctor’s clipboard and moving to Shepard’s over side. “More like a couple of months, Shepard. Even with all the cybernetics I’d implanted in you, it was going to take a long time to even consider you healed. As it is now, I’d say you’ll be here another few weeks or months before they’re ready to release you.”

Shepard went tense, jaw clenching tightly. “Another few months? Miranda, you brought me back to life. There’s got to be a way you could speed this process up.”

Miranda sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose. “Don’t think I’m not trying. Resources are rather limited right now, as I’m sure you’re aware of even after being comatose for so long. They brought me in to fix up your cybernetics, though your little freak out with all the doctors upped my job to your primary physician.”

Shepard looked away from Miranda and coughed, tightening her grip on Liara’s hand. “They were crowding me.” She paused. “My leg is gone, isn’t it? That wasn’t just a dream.”

“They did everything they could,” Liara said gently. “With your cybernetics malfunctioning it kept getting infected, and they decided it was best to amputate it.” A look of determination crossed her face, and Shepard gave her a small smile as she continued. “I’m regrouping my agents and making calls whenever I can. You’ll be first in line for a prosthetic if I can help it.”

“I’m glad my bondmate is the Shadow Broker.”

“ _ Shepard _ .” Liara’s eyes darted to Miranda, who snorted and waved her hand.

“Krios told me about that little fiasco back during the Collectors mission. Your secret is safe with me, Doctor T’Soni, I promise you that.”

Liara glanced to Shepard as if asking if she should believe her, and Shepard gave her a nod. “I trust Miranda with my life, Liara. Literally and figuratively. She won’t tell a soul.”

“Good, that’s… that’s good.” She let out a quiet sigh, and Miranda cleared her throat.

“I’ll go talk with the nurses to see how we can speed your healing up. Until then, get some rest Shepard. The galaxy knows you deserve at least that much.” Miranda shot her a smile and turned on her heel, hips sashaying as her heels clicked against the polished floor. 

Shepard looked back to Liara and chewed her lip, scooting over in her bed and patting beside her. “Join me?”

“Shepard, you’re still hurt. I could pull out an IV, or re-break a rib, or--”

“Liara.” She tugged her hand gently until Liara was sitting on the bed, then set on trying to coax her into lying down. It took a few minutes and more effort than she wanted, but eventually Liara was lying down on her side, arms wrapped around Shepard’s torso lightly. She hated being treated as fragile, but she didn’t want to yell at her bondmate for being worried. Shepard knew she was a dick, but she wasn’t that much of one. “I’m sorry I scared you. It won’t happen again.”

“It better not.” Liara hid her face against Shepard’s shoulder and sniffled. “I thought I’d lost you, Jill, for good this time. I lost you once already, and then we both lost Thane, and to lose you again… I couldn’t handle it.”

“I know,” she murmured against her head. “I know, and I’m sorry.” She paused. “I saw Thane.”

“What?”

“I was dead for a while, sort of. I’m not sure how long, but I saw Thane, and Mordin, and Legion, and Kaidan. I even saw Anderson--” Shepard froze at the thought of her old captain, and it was Liara’s turn to give her a dose of comfort.

“He’s a bit worse for wear than you are, but he’ll live as well. Kahlee Sanders never leaves his side.”

That made Shepard relax, and she continued. “We were on a beach. Thane was never shy of the fact that he was dying, you know? He’d always tell me that he’d meet me across the sea when he was gone, but I never really understood it. We just walked along the ocean, and it was wonderful, but…”

“But?”

“I saw you put my plaque on the memorial wall. I couldn’t leave you behind to deal with all of this by yourself. Thane knew I’d go back.” Shepard took a deep breath to steady herself. “He wishes you the best, Liara. He’ll see us both when it’s truly our time to go.”

Liara nodded slowly, looking like she was still taking what Shepard said in. “In that case, I’m glad to know there’ll be a familiar face waiting when I pass. Two, actually.”

It was always hard to remember that asari lived much longer than humans did, but Shepard did her best to shove that bit of information far into the back of her mind. She wanted to make the most of the time they had together, not worry about what’ll happen to Liara and their little blue children when she’s gone. That worry was for another time, and Shepard shifted to kiss her and distract Liara from the thought process. 

“We’ve got all the time in the world now,” she murmured when she pulled back, eyes closing and shoulders relaxing. “Let’s just live out our lives for however long we have. Alright?”

She felt Liara nod and tighten her hold around her waist. “Alright. I can live with that.”

They were far from alright, of course. Shepard knew she had a long road of healing ahead of her, and she still felt phantom pain where her leg had once been. The both of them would have their own fair share of issues to deal with, but knowing that Liara was at her side and Thane was watching from that little beach house was enough to let Shepard know things would be okay. 

After all, she had all the time in the world before she’d finally have to cross the sea.

**Author's Note:**

> honestly this turned from an idea into a monster of a thing, so i'm probably going to be writing a lot more about these three throughout different points of the trilogy. thanks for reading!
> 
> also follow me on tumblr: margaretbeaufcrt.tumblr.com


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